lyricalsongbird

01:12 pm: The holidays are finally almost over...

And thank God for it! I have one last holiday obligation that is more of voluntary enjoyment than involuntary misery. I am not going to see my family. Rather, i have the pleasure of going to a Lifestyle New Year's Eve party with my Angel. 

Okay, so His name isn't really Angel. It's Steve. But i call Him my Sweet Angel, affectionately, as He is my best friend. As of right now, He is content with the label of "friends with benefits," but i long for more. Perhaps one day He'll wake up and see how much i care for him...and always have...but until such a time i suppose all i can do is be happy for the time He allows me to spend with him, and to hope that one day, He'll give me more.

Here's to a new year, and a new hope for the future. 

joy

04:11 pm: One more week...
In a little over a week, maybe my sanity will be back to me again, at least in the sense that I won't be dealing with the hyperactivity of children drunk on the excitement of the Christmas season. I will be off for two weeks and able to just sort of...hang. Being back in my apartment last night was strangely comforting on many levels, and horribly lonely on other levels. I wonder how K is doing. I couldn't even HUG her last night as I walked out the door. I guess all things heal with time. Can that time please be now?

08:24 pm: Life as Usual
And so, it will be back to life as usual, starting tomorrow. So much has confused me lately. A non-bisexual woman...and I fell in love with a woman. We were stuck on opposite sides of the same coin, and now, as I sit and listen to them both move around just outside my room...part of me doesn't want to leave, and part of me can't wait. One part of me is aching to hug her and hold her and kiss her and tell her that I love her, and the other part just wants to scream at them both, because i am hurting so much inside. Why did I do this? Why on earth would I make such a rash decision for myself? I have to wonder how, if at all, I can ever begin to put my life back together for a second time.

The hurt will fade. It always does. 

I need to learn not to be so emotionally invested. I am sure that will spare me a whole hell of a lot of pain. 

-joy

12:34 pm: The bells, the reunion, the lease, the insanity...
Not that insanity is really anything new for me. It seems i am always participating in one form of craziness or another. 

I did not really want to go to school today, but now that i am here, i feel more at peace. There was a time, when i first left Jim, that all i really wanted was to go to school. It was where i felt most stable, most at peace, and most...myself. But after this weekend, I can't really say that anymore. Where i feel MOST at peace, is where i am able and even expected to be where I am...a submissive with a slave's heart, who relishes in the pleasure of the Ones she cares for. Nothing is more deeply satisfying to me than that. Nothing. 

I went to the Midwest Reunion this year. I was experiencing quite a bit of anxiety about it earlier in the week, but most of that was quickly squashed and replaced only with peace and satisfaction in my experience...as well as many, many fond memories. I made a lot of new friends...AND got my ass beat by a hottie!  I am still high on endorphins.

All that aside, i REALLY missed L&K. If she is part of your group as well, then you already know about our slave bells that i purchased while i was at the reunion. i am wearing one set and K is wearing the other. With each little movement, i can hear the soft jingle of the bells that reminds me to be graceful in my movements, pleasing in my actions, and to think of my future Sir. 

Speaking of L... have you ever just known that something was right, even if everyone else who hears about it will think it is wrong? This is one of those things. After the trials of last week, the trust L has built with me has been phenomenal. He is amazing, and so is K...and i cannot think of anyplace i would rather be, then where i feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. i have my reservations, but the benefits of being with them far outweigh it. That being said... i might be breaking my lease. i SO did not see this coming...sometimes life throws curveballs our way, huh?

06:50 am: Just another Manic Monday.
And Sunday. And possibly Tuesday. I surely hope not. I don't really have time for that shit.

The doctor started me on Lithium. Whoopee. That is really JUST what I need...to get on a medicine that made me completely fucking insane. I am told I yelled at L... and had i not been at L&K's, i very well may have gone out and blown my entire budget for the rest of the month of October on furniture for my apartment... and believe me, i wanted to!! 

I have not felt that fucking crazy in a really long time...and while I feel calmer now, I don't really feel stable. K has been telling me all night, "You seem so much calmer..." but I still feel on-edge... like I could explode at any minute. 

Parent-teacher conferences are this week. I have to board Ace for the weekend to go to the Reunion... I just have a very, very busy week.  I am having anxiety about it, honestly... but there is nothing I can do but plow on through. As much as I don't want to. I am still worried about the Lithium. Even last night my mood fluctuated something fierce, several times. I need to take my control back. 

The other night, L told me to stop beating on myself because that's his job. LOL. It was cute, I have to admit. Cute and true. I hate it when he's right like that, with stuff I don't want him to be right about. Such fast friends with people that I really only met 7 weeks ago... and this week I am practically living over here because I just don't want to be alone. G says that on Halloween FLOG weekend, he'll do a more "formal" turning-over to them...and honestly, I am ready for it. I'm ready to feel secure, stable, loved, wanted, appreciated, beautiful, desired again. I'm not ready to be owned, certainly...but I'm ready to start taking baby steps toward becoming what I know I was made to be. Maybe after I am over my emotional clusterfuck... it will happen. 

Wondering what the future has for me and looking forward to school very much this morning. It's the most stable thing in my life at this moment, but I'm crossing my fingers that in a week and a half that will change.

05:02 pm: More frustrations.
They just keep seeming to come to me. i don't know what I am going to do, or why i am feeling the way I am feeling. I am frustrated, fidgety, depressed, and i need to be WITH someone right now. i hate being alone.  

12:02 pm: Yesterday was amazing. K and i went to see the new Jodi Foster movie, called The Brave One. It was fantastic. I highly reccomend it.  We also went shopping around the mall a bit, and I was not nearly as healthy with my eating habits as i should have been. Somehow, i believe that all the walking we did made up for it. We are thinking to have matching costumes for Halloween FLOG. I think it would be so much fun! We saw these belly dancer costumes in the window of one of the shops, went in and tried them on...and now I think we're going to be harem girls for Halloween. Maybe L can be the slave driver? ::Giggles::

It was a few minutes after we got back to K's house that things really started getting fucked up for me. It was nothing that either of them did, really. It just hit me. I became shakey and restless, unable to concentrate on one thing at a time. My stomache was sick, and even after i had dinner and went to the munch, I could not stay there for very long. I have never felt so nervous and uncomfortable just being around people... like I couldn't breathe. So, I went home, and laid on my bed, trembling in the dark for quite a long time. I have things to do. I want to get things done right now. I can't sit still. I just am panicky and don't want to be alone. A walk didn't help. I'm not surprised. A walk rarely helps. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

08:50 am: Babbling...
 Went to L&K's house last night. It was a fantastic time... just a good time running around, getting to know them and their environment, socializing. The evening spun into a more serious conversation near the end of the night, and I ended up getting to bed around 1, and getting minimal sleep. Eh. Doesn't matter. I can sleep when I'm dead. 

On a different note: Did you know that wolves are pack animals that mate for life? They are some of the most loyal creatures in existence on the planet, and will do anything for the survival of their pack. Funny how the scariest-looking things tend to be the most worthwhile things to learn about. 

I got my period yesterday. When I die, I am going to be sure to let God know exactly what I think of him making it so that blood comes out of my pussy once a month for five days.

Don't listen to me. i'm half asleep and don't really know what i'm babbling about. ;)

08:48 am: Work, work, work...
Report cards are due soon. Work has been keeping me extremely busy...but I don't mind. I love my kids dearly. Sometimes, it seems that the only thing in my life that makes any sense is my work.  
 

11:33 am: I hate diets.

     Welcome to my corner of the world. Kinda scary, isn't it? It has been for me for the past several days. I am extremely scared and frustrated about many things of late. My "surrogate dominant," G, who is kind of helping me to figure out my life again and providing structure for me, has put me on a diet. Whoopee. I find diets so incredibly hard to stick to because i feel like i am now hyper-aware of not only MY body image, but the body image of everyone else around me. i don't feel beautiful. i don't even feel remotely attractive. i just feel...fat...and when i go on my mandated daily walks, it get even more difficult for me because i feel like a failure. 
     Saturday was the worst FLOG ever. i was listening to G speak to this other bi woman regarding what she found attractive in women. i know he didn't mean to do this, but i found myself sitting there, listening to a list of  "the traits of really sexy women" and...surprise, surprise...it also happened to be a list of exactly what i was NOT. i felt sick to my stomache. That's when my night started going downhill. It reached its height at the afterparty at FLOG the other night. There i was, in a room full of 8 people including myself, 4 men and 4 women. The out of those, the 4 men and one of the women had their attention focused on the 2 other women who were on the floor, making out and doing unmentionable things to one another. And i was the fat girl in the corner. You have to understand that the 3 women there were all at the very least, 75 pounds lighter than i am. Talk about feeling inadequate and inferior. To compound the situation, G looked at me and asked if i wanted to strip and play a bit. i just looked at him like he was out of his mind. No way in hell was i about to take off my clothing in in THAT room of people.
    When his guests left, G pried it out of me, tried to understand what was wrong. When i told him he nodded and said that he could understand how i was upset...but how could he? He doesn't know. He has a good body and loves to exercise... and does not find my body attractive in the least. He told me that he would have let me get laid by one of the men that was there, and i just kinda looked at him and said "oh, you mean the man that was staring at the two ultra-thin girls on the other side of the room?" He said that there was no way for the poor guy to release that built up sexual tension, and i could have benefitted from it. Yeah, right. He wouldn't be thinking of me. He would be fucking me and wishing it was one of those other two. No thanks, i'll pass.
       To G's credit, he DID try to make me feel better. He told me that I have a very pretty face and that sometimes i make these facial expressions that are "melting" as he put it. Well. i have to compensate somehow, don't i, for not having the body that a 25 year old SHOULD have? i hate diets. Diets make me hate myself.